Saturday, 28 February 2015

Depression: My Life With

So some of you may have noticed that I haven't posted here lately. I figured I owed you an explanation as well as some insight into me and my life. Of course you don't have to read, and I will put trigger warnings here for depression, suicide and anxiety. So don't read if you think it may harm your own mental well being.

I've suffered with severe anxiety and depression for six years now. It all started when I was bullied at school pretty much from the age of 5 to 16. From the age of 14, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my first ever love. My mum is a narcissistic sociopath and my dad is also emotionally abusive. I've lived my life behind cage after cage and insult after insult, and it got to me. I started skipping school just to stay in bed all day. I didn't do anything at all, just laid there. Sometimes put a movie on. Sometimes just stared into space feeling worthless and as if I didn't belong anywhere.

It's a strange thing, believing you're worthless and the world would be better off without you. I stopped doing anything I enjoyed. I stopped reading, writing, going out with friends, playing games. I just... existed. I didn't LIVE. This continued until I hit 18. That's when the first serious suicide attempt happened.

I'm not going to bore everyone with the medical details and what I took etc, but it was big and it was an overdose. I ended up in hospital, and then a psychiatric unit for six months battling my depression and my anxiety. I spend new years there, and I am blessed with some dear friends from that experience. I was released and given no further care.

For the last couple of years, I've continued just existing. I do nothing with my day or my time, I have very few friends and ruin any friendships I do/did have. Feeling down and having no motivation is pretty much my existence. I read a book but have to read the same page 3 times until anything sinks in. It is hard, and it is sad. I have tried and tried and will continue fighting and trying. I just got released from hospital after another serious overdose, so I will attempt to continue reviewing.

Please know that if you do suffer with ANY mental or physical health condition, you are beautiful, and I love you. You matter to someone. You matter to me.

Guess this ramble is over. So over and out.
Kerry x